Nov 21
Growing Old with Lover & Technology
Yes, it is possible. Now 76 and living alone, I think my life is happier and more content than it has ever been. I have a lover who lives on the other side of the Atlantic, much to the bemusement of my friends. More on that in a little while.
I grew up in a reasonably traditional home. My parents loved each other deeply, and my expectation from childhood was that I would find someone like my dad to marry. Someone who would love me for the whole of my life. That didn’t happen.
I finally got the message (when still only in my 50s) that it was up to me, not some mythical man, to live my life fully. As it turned out, that did not preclude marriage, children and love-affairs, however seemingly inappropriate. My understanding of the word love has changed significantly with age. When younger, I needed to be ‘in love’. For me it was always intense and romantic, almost like a drug. Now, just to love and love unconditionally, is a precious gift.
My lover currently lives in Santa Fe, USA, and I in a small village in Dorset, UK. I have known this man for twenty-seven years. We had a brief affair in the Rajneesh, Oregon commune where we met, then went our separate ways ‘though still living in the same community. This was common in the life-style of those days. However, we always remained good friends.
When the commune in America collapsed, I finally came home after sixteen more years living in Italy and then Australia. He remained in the US, occasionally travelling to see me wherever I happened to be, and vice versa. We both had other loves, which did not affect our feelings for each other at all.
Our friendship never wavered, and was kept alive, apparently, by ever-changing technology. Firstly there was the post, then faxes, emails and currently – Skype. Our deepening love for each other seems to be linked to the level of communication being constantly updated! Both in our seventies, we now speak to each other daily, often more than once. Distance does not seem to matter too much.
This dear man’s uncompromising commitment to his own growth and the path of aloneness, has taught me much. There are no promises, no contract, no ‘need’. Slowly over the years a deep trust, and therefore love has grown between us. It is genuinely unconditional. And yes, I do wish we lived nearer each other. We have a lot of fun when we do meet. However, the trivia and depths of our lives are shared each day with laughter and much closeness. It is almost as if we are in the next room.
If some seer had foretold that the most intelligent, deep and rewarding love affair of my life would be conducted mainly from a distance of a few thousand miles – I would have laughed in disbelief. I do laugh, a lot – simply from delight.
November 22nd, 2009 at 2:03 pm
I have often heard that lovers living in different places from each other, let alone living in different countries, is somewhat of a cop out. The reason, I am told is that there is no committment, no possiblity that the two worlds can ever clash, no reason to become tired of each other. They don’t come in contact with the things that irritate them, the toilet seat is either always up or down, the tooth paste never gets squeezed in the middle or it does, and no fighting over the bed clothes at night. It seems to be the safest place to be, being lovers without all the complications. Being lovers and yet still being able to do exactly what each one wants, without question or consequence.
To me, this all sounds reasonable and yet, after reading your writings, I am a changed man. I feel your commitment and the deepening respect you have for your lover. The toilet seat, the tooth paste and the bed clothes, all these are totally insignificant. If you have become aware of what and who you are, then I believe that the location of your lover has no meaning. There never has been a blue print for what lovers should look like or act like. If respect, honesty, freedom, understanding and a sense of sharing is what you both have for each other, then I am sure that it sufficient.
Dear persephone…… its been so difficult not to use the word ” relationship ” is there another word?
November 22nd, 2009 at 5:42 pm
Dear James – as ever, you have seen beyond the boundaries we normally place on ourselves. Thank you for your wise, intelligent, and perceptive reply. As for the word ‘relationship’ – what is wrong with just saying “we (or they) are lovers”? I suppose you could say ‘loving friendship’, which is true in my case, but it doesn’t quite go far enough. Maybe we, as a species, are embarrassed by anything that suggests sexual love, especially that between older people. Very delicately, you did not mention sex. The unasked for answer is yes, it is part of the energy that keeps our off-beat love affair still growing. I am certain that this might be also have been a question in many readers’ minds. And, I want to be clear in this arena. There is so much misunderstanding and miscommunication about sex between older people. Maybe I will write something else on this subject!
Your question about the word relationship helped me suggest at least, a possibility. Relationship is a very safe and comfortable word. In itself, there is nothing wrong with it – it’s just the way it is often used as a blanket term that I have problems with. Refer to my article: ‘Meeting and Relating’.
November 23rd, 2009 at 10:39 am
Dear Persephone,
Sexuality of course, what must have I been thinking of? We may be elderly but we are most certainly not dead. As a younger man, I tried my utmost to make sure that the woman I was with was sexually satisfied, no matter what it took. Today it is different. My lover places no demands or fantasies on me or my performance. This, of course, liberates me from any demands or fantasies I may place on myself. It was a revelation when, many years ago, I realized it was the woman who had the power in the sexual act and not the man. Dream as I might, my sexual prowess was always governed by a very small part of me. As far as a woman is concerned, it is not governed by anything. I think God got it wrong when he created us. Think, what could have been achieved, if he had combined man’s fantasies with a woman’s sexual ability……….!
You write with a passion for life and all of its bounties. I have deciphered that you were sexually active as a younger woman, being aware of passion and pleasure. I strongly believe a leopard never really changes its spots. Your life in Osho’s community could not have lasted eleven years, if you had been loveless, lifeless and sexless. I remember a story called The Velveteen Rabbit that was told by him, it concerned a Horse and a Velveteen Rabbit.The last few lines have always stayed with me, they go something like this, ” When you become real does it hurt? ” asked the rabbit. The horse was always honest, he replied, ” Yes it does hurt. By the time you become real, most of your hair has been rubbed off, and you are loose in the joints, but once you are real you can never be ugly, only to those who do not understand. ” I think this is so perfect for where we are now.