Persephone Arbour

Recently I mentioned the book The Monk and the Philosopher. During a few day’s escape and calm at a friend’s house in Devon, it was read more thoroughly. This book’s conversations between father and son woke me up. I saw how I mangle and elaborate the dramas in my life, and how much that mangling hurts me. It stops me living life fully, imprisoning me in stories of how bad things are.

Dramas of grief, loss, fear, worry, physical and emotional pain, shame and pride have all occupied my mind in the last month. Remembering Gangagi’s words, “Welcome them all” – I did just that. The grief and loss were honoured for a while, then joined the others in the truth: that in fact, they were only dramas. I understood, helped by the gentle Buddhist monk, that I actually had a choice. I could choose to hold on to drama, or in an instant, take charge and banish it. Actually that’s not true – there’s nothing to banish, it’s just letting go of another pattern of thinking.

I know, I know, it’s easy to say not so easy to do. Maybe that’s because it’s always easier to stay with the familiar than jump into the new. However, one simple insight from a peaceful and joyous monk catapulted me into taking action. There was a key to open the doors that I walked through. The key was to honour my shame. I discovered intelligent support and advice, loving friends who offered open ears for listening and, somewhere deep within, a new attitude towards money that was struggling to appear. This change in attitude is new, very new and welcome.

Some of you will have read my story about Money and Trust. If you read it again you will see now that it was just another drama from which I really did learn. However, obviously not enough, even ‘though at the time I called it a miracle! Today is different. There are no bells and whistles with my current money story. This time I have had to look deeper, much deeper and not get carried away by other stories in order to solve this one. I realise that way back in 1993 it was more about my belief systems of the time. Now it is more practical and responsible. However, Trust is still there – waiting patiently for me to, yet again, do what needs to be done. I have finally become honest with myself, no-one else, and created no more stories to distract my attention. This is painful at times. However, with patience, my own and others – I’m getting there. It’s heartwarming when some communication, a letter or a poem drops unexpectedly into my mailbox seemingly out of the blue and oh so apt and welcome. Yesterday came a long and full letter from a dear friend reminding me gently that actually, ‘I’ am not in charge! Then this morning, browsing amongst saved material – came this:

Correction

The burdens of the world
on my back
lighten the world
not a whit while
removing them greatly
decreases my specific
gravity

~ A. R. Ammons ~
(Web archive of Panhala postings: www.panhala.net/Archive/Index.html)

All in all, I feel held, and in that holding is some peace. So, my humble thanks go to Mattieu Ricard (the monk) and his father whose enlightening conversations woke me up. And to the other dear ones, sitting quietly supporting me, who already know who they are, I send my love.