Persephone Arbour

I have been working for the last fifteen years as a Civil Funeral Celebrant, and started this work when still living in Australia. I am often asked: “I would like to do funerals, how does it work?” ‘Doing’ funerals is not quite it! There is no particular format to ‘do’! Each funeral is uniquely personal. I would prefer to say “providing families with a service for celebrating the death of someone very close”. There is much more to this than meets the eye!

When living in Australia, civil celebrancy was suggested to me by someone who knew of my people-skills. He also knew of my abilities as a writer and public speaker. For obvious reasons, if you feel daunted by the words – ‘public speaker’, then read no further! I am lucky in that I am also a musician, and have a real ‘sense’ of the mood flow of any ceremony.

When I came back to the UK in 2001 it was then necessary to be accredited by the British Humanist Association, which I was. Now, things have changed; but some training/mentoring is essential for this work.

My mentor over here lived in Bournemouth, so I was given introductions to various Funeral Directors in the area. Now, nearly nine years later most of my work is in Purbeck, where I live. However, I also travel very much further away. The Funeral Directors and their staff are a wonderful group of people. I simply love them and their considerate, simple yet professional dedication to the work they do.

Here, I give a word of warning to anyone who might be thinking of embarking on Funeral Celebrancy as a career. It is definitely an uncertain, underpaid and demanding profession. It is NOT a full-time job. However, it is probably one of the most fulfilling and personally rewarding part-time jobs in the world. I love it.

These last few paragraphs are a preamble to the following letter from the inimitable James Bonser. Here is a recent question from him that I thought might be of interest to you. I hope he sends some more:

“There are some questions I would like to have answers to, the reason being that I am inquisitive, or putting it more familiarly, I am nosey. My first question is: what exactly is it that you do at funerals? I’ve got it that you are not the Undertaker. What more can there be at a funeral, other than mourners and a dead body? Here in Denmark we often have a solo singer attached to the church, and I know that you are an accomplished musician, and yet it still does not give me the full picture. So the question remains.”

My answer: You are correct. I am not an undertaker, a mourner or a dead-body. I am not a funeral singer either! I take the place of a minister when the deceased’s family do not want the dogma often associated with a full religious funeral. They want something more personal, not necessarily aligned to any particular belief system.

First, there is an interview with the family of the deceased. This is usually in their homes, for between one and two hours. Definitely, this interview is crucial. It is when I get to understand and know the person who has died. Then I can make the ceremony as true and personal as possible. I talk the family through the normal order of service. This is usually a very simple format: Entry (with music), Welcome, Tribute, then a short time of quiet contemplation which we call the Reflection, again gentle music will be playing. After that it is time for the Committal, which is the time to say goodbye. We close with a few words and thanks, then finally everyone leaves with music playing. Anything in this format can be changed to the family’s preference.

More often than not, I will write and then deliver the Tribute. This is about the life of the person who has died; stories and anecdotes, anything that the family wants me to say. I put that all together within the framework that I have just described. They then look it over and edit if necessary, before finalising how we proceed.

It is my job to decide where it is appropriate for guests/family to say or read something, if requested. Then the final copy is written, together with a specially written one for the person playing the music (either on CD or the organ). I also provide a presentation copy in a folder – to be given to the family after the ceremony, including the CD that has been made by me.

On the day I welcome everyone and am totally responsible for the smooth running of the ceremony; paying particular attention to the timing. If we are not careful a queue can build up outside, which is the last thing that any one wants to happen. I also liase between the family and the Funeral Directors if there are any questions. In a crematorium I press the button if they want the coffin to be lowered. There is always a choice about this, many families prefer to leave it in place.

I see this work as a service in which the clients get exactly what they want, without interference from me. However, if asked, I do share my preferences, especially around any poetry or music. It is most important to me that I design the ceremony to suit each particular family. So far, after fifteen years experience, I have had no complaints!

I would like to add here that this work is a privilege. It is a privilege to be asked into people’s homes when they are at their most vulnerable and to help them deal with, what can be, a sad and difficult time. However, there are nearly always plenty of laughs when families start to reminisce about the particular life that has ended. My assessment of a ‘good’ funeral is one when I have seen a tear and heard a giggle.